204, -5, -37 pounds total

Well, I am past 208 and on my way to under 200.

I have been having trouble staying on the diet lately. I think several things are going on. First of all, Optifast is BORING! No matter how hard I try to make them enjoyable the shakes are just shakes. The soup is just broth. I love good food, and this stuff is nowhere near good. What has saved me is that when I do cheat, it's a terrible experience. Nowadays, if I eat solid food it just sits there in my stomach. Very uncomfortable. I end up throwing it back up to get rid of it. Bulemia does not appeal to me, so I think I'm mostly cured of any more cheating urges. Call it aversion therapy if you like. Just the idea of eating makes me feel queasy now.

I also think there is some weird emotional stuff going on. It's hard for me to figure out exactly what it is, probably some combination. There is a part of me that doesn't believe that it's possible for me to lose all the weight. I tend to think of myself as someone who can't finish what I start. A fuck-up. Therefore I have to fuck this up too. I don't deserve to look good. I don't deserve to be happy. I might even be trying to punish myself for doing well. These are all very possible. Someone I know, (I hesitate to call him friend) tells me that I love misery and that I just want everything to be miserable. I don't love to be miserable, but it is familiar. More familiar than happiness. We all love what is familiar, so I guess in some sense maybe my misery gives me comfort. Embracing happiness and success is new territory, scary and unfamiliar. That is my bit of psychobabble for the week.

I'm approaching 200 with a lot of excitement. Even though I have engaged in a bit of self-sabotage I have managed to continue to lose weight. I can do it, sometimes even in spite of myself.