195, -2, 46 pounds total - HALF WAY TO MY GOAL!!!

I am at my half-way mark. It's kind of a miracle because I fell off the wagon hard this weekend.

It was a combination of things, but mainly because my mother was in town. I always end up feeling really bad about myself after I see her. I can tell that she sees me as a total fuck-up. I happened to mention that I wished I lived in a place with a washer and dryer hook-up. "But then you would have to take CARE of it." Right. That is a pretty big responsibility, taking care of a major appliance like that. I am actually doing quite well for myself these days, but she will never see it. I am just a big disappointment to her. She won't even come into my apartment. She also has this really great way of reminiscing about when I was a kid. Somehow the stories always end up being about the time I did something bad, or pissed someone off.

Even stories about my achievements end up being about her disappointment. I qualified for the all-city honor choir when I was in junior high. Only two people from each school get to participate, and I was one of them! Pretty great, huh. Any mother would be proud, right? Well, according to her it was all a huge waste of time because she didn't like the music the choir director chose. It didn't help that he was a black man. She said that he chose "his kind" of people for all the solos. Whatever. She was angry about the whole thing. Nothing in there about how great it was that I was chosen. No. She was "Torqued off." Aaarrrgggghhh. "And I had to drive you there all those (5) times!" Jeez, what a sacrifice.

Anyway, I went off the rails on Saturday night. I tried hanging out with a friend, but it didn't really help. The only thing that would really help was a sausage and eggplant calzone. I took it home and watched Hidalgo. And then I threw it up because I can't keep food down because of the Optifast. Sunday I tried to do better, but after visiting them in "the trailer" I just had to have a cheeseburger and fries. After the Mah Jongg game with my friends I was still feeling terrible, so I stopped off for some chips and guacamole, and a bean and cheese burrito. I stayed home sick from work on Monday after sweating all night. Then I went and got two fish tacos and some chips and guacamole. It's sad. I was really on a roll. These are the things they try to help you get over in the group counselling sessions. The only problem is that they want you to have a support system to help you get through the tough parts. I don't have one. Not really. I am my support system, and I'm not particularly reliable.

By Tuesday I was feeling better, both physically and emotionally. I couldn't really tell you why. I think that when I'm with my mother I begin to believe that I am a failure. I see myself with her eyes and I begin to feel like there is something wrong with me. I become consumed with self-doubt. It sucks. On tuesday I rededicated myself to the Optifast and the walking. I'm not perfect, and I will probably never look like a success in my mother's eyes, but I have accomplished a lot in my life. I did it on my own. Sometimes I did it the hard way, but I did it. And I will keep doing it, whatever it is.

I realized that I do have some food addiction issues, so I signed up for an Optifast group that specializes in dealing with those issues. It's starting in two weeks. I'm so used to using food as comfort that I don't really have much of a back-up. I know there are other ways to deal with feeling bad, I just have to learn to use them.

I told myself that my reward for getting half way to my goal was a nice massage. I'm waiting a week for it though because of all the cheating. I have to make it through a whole week without cheating in order to earn my massage. So far so good.

Yay!!! Half way!!!!