197, -3, 44 pounds total

Yay! Under 200!

This has been a difficult week for me, the last few days in particular. I've been feeling kinda bloated and my breasts are swollen and tender, basically premenstrual. Also I have been HUNGRY! The problem is that my period was last week, so I shouldn't feel this way. I spoke to a nurse practitioner last night at group, and she told me that Optifast is well known to cause some hormonal irregularities. She said that some women even have periods every two weeks. Yikes! She also said that it would pass, so here is to hoping it passes soon.

I was really surprised that I lost my 3 pounds. I wasn't expecting more than maybe 1 pound, due to the results of my morning home weigh-ins. If all goes well I should be hitting my half-way mark some time this coming week. Yay!!!

200, -3, -41 pounds total

OK. I'm AT 200, not under 200. Next week maybe I will finally be under 200 and on my way to 195, which is my half-way mark. The good news is that I didn't cheat at all last week.

Yay for me!

Why

is it that I am still losing weight, but I feel fatter?

Bleh

At least I haven't cheated yet this week. I'm not going to either, but the weekends are the hardest.

203, -1, -38 pounds total

This looks bad, but I'm not that upset about it. I was wearing sweats, because we were exercising in group today. The sweats weigh more than what I normally wear, so I'm not worried. According to my daily morning weigh-in I've lost 4, so there!

I am, however, going to use this moment to commit myself to not cheating! The cheating has to stop! Enough with the goofing around. It's gross and I'm not going to do it any more!

Someone said something really good last night in group. I think it's from one of the books they gave us that I never read. She said, "reward the behavior, not the result." I've been looking too much at the weight loss and not enough to what I am doing. I think I am dealing with some emotional issues, or at least looking at them, so in a way I am confronting my food demons. But I've been fortunate enough to lose weight even though I'm regularly cheating, so I haven't really been dealing with that behavior. This coming week is all about not cheating, and finding healthy outlets.

204, -5, -37 pounds total

Well, I am past 208 and on my way to under 200.

I have been having trouble staying on the diet lately. I think several things are going on. First of all, Optifast is BORING! No matter how hard I try to make them enjoyable the shakes are just shakes. The soup is just broth. I love good food, and this stuff is nowhere near good. What has saved me is that when I do cheat, it's a terrible experience. Nowadays, if I eat solid food it just sits there in my stomach. Very uncomfortable. I end up throwing it back up to get rid of it. Bulemia does not appeal to me, so I think I'm mostly cured of any more cheating urges. Call it aversion therapy if you like. Just the idea of eating makes me feel queasy now.

I also think there is some weird emotional stuff going on. It's hard for me to figure out exactly what it is, probably some combination. There is a part of me that doesn't believe that it's possible for me to lose all the weight. I tend to think of myself as someone who can't finish what I start. A fuck-up. Therefore I have to fuck this up too. I don't deserve to look good. I don't deserve to be happy. I might even be trying to punish myself for doing well. These are all very possible. Someone I know, (I hesitate to call him friend) tells me that I love misery and that I just want everything to be miserable. I don't love to be miserable, but it is familiar. More familiar than happiness. We all love what is familiar, so I guess in some sense maybe my misery gives me comfort. Embracing happiness and success is new territory, scary and unfamiliar. That is my bit of psychobabble for the week.

I'm approaching 200 with a lot of excitement. Even though I have engaged in a bit of self-sabotage I have managed to continue to lose weight. I can do it, sometimes even in spite of myself.