What Happened to the Diet?

What happened, indeed.

A few things really. I got discouraged. I got tired of cooking all the time. My busy season at work is upon me, and it's hard to devote so much time to cooking and spending hours in the gym. Summer is here, and I have actually been invited to the occasional party. And then I got food poisoning. That actually helped me to lose some of the weight I gained back when I wasn't dieting and going to the gym. Did I mention that I am tired of cooking? Yeah. And I got discouraged.

There is this show on tv called Starved, from the network that brought you Nip/Tuck. I just happened to channel-surf in at a part where three guys and a woman are sitting around a table in a diner. One of the guys is talking about a girl that he saw on an internet dating site. She looks cute in the pic, but at 5' 9", 145 pounds, she must be fat. The other guys agree. 145 is way too fat, she should weigh 120. The girl points out that at 120, the girl would look like Callista Flockhart, but the guys disagree. Me, I just want to go stick my head in the oven.

This is what really hurts. My goal weight is 155. At that weight I will still be "fat." It just takes all the wind out of my sails - makes me feel like there is no hope. I'm always going to have giant boat feet and man hands. Yes, I have man hands. I actually had a guy say to me once, "lady, you got some big ole boat feet!" I said, "you're fired!" because I was the manager and he was the janitor. I was only half kidding. I'm always going to have a big ass. Even at 155 I had a big ass... and man hands... and boat feet.

Last week was a real low point. I was sick from a combo of food poisoning, allergies and lady problems. I was miserable. I felt like a loser, like nothing was ever going to change for me. I am stuck in a job that doesn't give me any satisfaction, my personal life is non-existent, my apartment is a mess. I'm disgusted with the way I look. I'm 40 years old and I still don't have a clue. I can barely live on the money I make. Yeah, boo fuckin' hoo. What a pity party. But that is how I feel.

I feel better now, at least health-wise. Some of this stuff I can fix if I work at it. Obviously I'm stuck with the man hands and boat feet, but I can work on finding a better job. I can shrink my titanically huge ass down to merely big.

There is no try, there is only do... and do and do.

It's going to take some time.